pic from tech18.com

Let’s face it: sometimes, Facebook rules our lives. Facebook has gone from a casual online hang out place to an boisterous, media-filled arena filled with people you hit on, people you thought you forgot, people you cherish *sic*, people you casually brush elbows with, and of course, those whom you want to kill with your bare hands. Geez, everybody’s on Facebook.

And with my Facebook feed getting more and more unbearable each day, I would like to propose my very own “Awesome Facebook Features Wish List”. Here, you will find the features that Mark Z hid from us…until he suddenly decides to charge for Facebook use. (Of course I’m kidding.)

Outgoing Media Analysis

I wish Facebook would have something embedded in it that analyzes one’s comments, reposts and information posted on the user’s page and would automatically nudge him/ her if s/he was making racist, sexist or other comments that really shows insensitivity to one’s individuality or culture. This could be nice, could show up in a prompt, and slowly teach people to be nicer. This is also another jumpstart for education, as someone who posts a sexist comment needs to be thrown to a feminist forum filled with angry radical feminists with long underarm hair. Just kidding about the hair.

Repetitive Photos Punishment

I know; there are trolls who do not seem to understand that posting different versions of a picture, or different angles, or different facial expressions DO NOT alter the appearance of the faces they were born with. If you don’t look good in a picture, study well so you can get a good job and afford a surgery. Stop flooding Facebook with pictures that even you are half-hearted about. One picture is enough. So you went there? We get it. You bought that new bag? We get it. That’s your duck face? Let me take you to the poultry market.

Those who post repetitive photos must endure the punishment of having their photos deleted on the first offense, account suspended for a month on the second, and on the third, having every photo they upload changed to Shrek’s face…forever.

Grammar Lessons

I know Facebook has grammar check. But it’s still not that flawless. I wish there was a feature that turns every comment or post in wrong grammar into something nicer. There should be comments like “say it better”  for those with seemingly correct grammar, only, words aren’t used properly. For example, when you say “If you are interesting in buying this product” you will notice that Facebook and Microsoft Word won’t even notice it. But you know that’s wrong! Along with this, there must also be a checkbox that you can fill out everytime you speak in mixed language or in your dialect. This way, English is English, and we don’t embarrass our mothers, forefathers and English teachers. Bonus: I would also love a regular reminder on everyone’s walls about the 8 Parts of Speech. That is the cornerstone of English.

pic from livewire-edge.blogspot.com

I will really wait for the day when these features come to life. THAT, and I would like to throw in around a dozen more choices for relationship statuses. Maybe add “Getting there”, “Falling out”, “Violently In Love” and “We just really love weed”. If you have any other suggestions, please feel free to drop me a comment. BEST ANSWER WINS my undying admiration.